Its been a couple weeks since I’ve posted anything..but its been a real crazy couple of weeks. In that two weeks, I hit my 4 and 5 week marks as well as my 1 month mark. I also had a doctor appointment and moved back to Maryville for school.
Since I last posted, the pain has been so much better. I have one incision that’s giving me some trouble and anytime I try to be up for more than 2 minutes, my foot swells up and starts to hurt. For the most part though, I’m not in near as much pain as I have been. I am also only on 2 of my prescriptions now; I’ve been able to cut it down from about 8 or 9. My doctor appointment went as well as it could have. Dr. Patel said my x-rays, incisions and even my ankle movement looked pretty good, so that was a relief to hear. I was put into another cast but this one isn’t as bad as the last one. It’s about an inch shorter, open toed, and it has green stripes! (I had my favorite nurse and she hooked me up).
All of that has made the physical side of this so much easier. Being at school for a few days now and having to actually be up and go to class and lifting has made me really sore and tired. You know you’re out of shape when you’re exhausted just from going to one class a day!
But the real monster in almost anything we do isn’t the physical part, it’s the mental part. That’s where most of my struggles have been recently. The first couple weeks of having to rely on my family to do almost EVERYTHING for me was kind of nice just because I was in so much pain. But now that I’m not in as much pain, I almost can’t stand to have people do a lot of stuff for me because I’m a pretty independent person. This gets a little scary though because there have been a few times where I try to do something and then end up almost falling. I need to learn that it’s okay to have people help me; especially right now. I can’t have a setback from falling just because I’m trying to be independent again. I know my independence will come back in time, I just have to be patient. Patience just isn’t my greatest virtue.
I have also had to be more dependent than ever on God and His strength to get me through this. Out of all my injuries, this has been the most painful and the one that’s scared me the most. I still get scared. A lot. And I have almost no confidence; I mean, I can’t even stand on my own two feet. The only confidence I have is in God’s strength and His plan; that He will get me through this and something great will come of it. There are times when I get close to giving up and just being done; its like a scared, nervous, empty feeling. But its in those times that I have to cling to God and put complete dependence on Him. That’s how I should be living my life anyway, putting complete dependence on Him, but I think we all just caught up in our own plan and doing our own thing that we forget that we need God for full strength and fulfillment. These times of weakness really suck, I’ve probably never felt anything worse. But its also in these times that I feel closest to God, which is a really great feeling. Strength from Him is a conquer the world kind of feeling and if we fully depend on Him all the time instead of when we’re struggling, we’ll be fulfilled all the time.
Unfortunately, its taken an extremely painful and difficult injury for me to realize I need full dependence on God, but its worth it. It is absolutely worth it.
3 weeks until I can start walking, 7 weeks until I can wear shoes!